1
00:00:02,960 --> 00:00:05,758
("RED DWARF" THEME)

2
00:00:36,680 --> 00:00:38,875
(MAN) Oh, Marnie.
(WOMAN) Oh, my darling, don't.

3
00:00:39,840 --> 00:00:44,709
This isn't a time for sadness,
it's a time for joy, laughter. Don't you see?

4
00:00:44,880 --> 00:00:49,317
Whatever this crazy old world throws
at us now it doesn't matter.

5
00:00:49,480 --> 00:00:52,438
(MAN) But we can never be together again.

6
00:00:52,600 --> 00:00:55,956
(WOMAN) Oh, darling, you're wrong.
We'll always be together.

7
00:00:56,120 --> 00:00:58,429
It's just... we'll be apart.

8
00:01:01,360 --> 00:01:05,911
Wasn't that just beautiful?
Oh, well recommended, sir.

9
00:01:06,120 --> 00:01:08,395
Do you think they get back together?

10
00:01:08,600 --> 00:01:11,068
- (SOBS) I don't know.
- Pardon?

11
00:01:11,240 --> 00:01:13,071
(SQUEAKS) I don't know!

12
00:01:13,960 --> 00:01:19,512
Wasn't it wonderful, the way he sacrificed
everything for the woman he loved?

13
00:01:19,720 --> 00:01:25,556
I thought it was the worst pile of blubbery
mush I've ever been compelled to endure.

14
00:01:25,720 --> 00:01:31,238
It's an insult to my backside that it was
forced to sit here growing carbuncles

15
00:01:31,400 --> 00:01:33,834
through such putrid adolescent slush.

16
00:01:34,040 --> 00:01:38,636
- You didn't find it uplifting?
- Not at all. It was totally unbelievable.

17
00:01:38,800 --> 00:01:41,792
Why give everything up
if he'll never see her again?

18
00:01:42,000 --> 00:01:46,391
Because she loved him,
and he could have that forever. Right, sir?

19
00:01:46,560 --> 00:01:48,437
(SNIFFS)

20
00:01:48,920 --> 00:01:54,233
Personally, I thought it started well.
That stuff with the ducks was great.

21
00:01:54,400 --> 00:01:57,233
When it went black and white, I fell asleep.

22
00:01:58,120 --> 00:02:01,192
Sir, that was the cartoon
before the main programme.

23
00:02:03,880 --> 00:02:08,317
Hang on, chaps.
We've got a blip. Quadrant 4, sector 492.

24
00:02:08,520 --> 00:02:12,354
- I'm onto it, Holly.
- Those kind of films really irritate me.

25
00:02:12,520 --> 00:02:17,878
Just not realistic. There isn't a man in the
universe who wouldn't have taken the job.

26
00:02:18,040 --> 00:02:21,635
- Total baloney.
- You said that about "King of Kings".

27
00:02:23,360 --> 00:02:27,353
Well, it's true. A carpenter's son
who learns tricks like that

28
00:02:27,520 --> 00:02:30,034
and doesn't go into show business?

29
00:02:30,200 --> 00:02:33,112
Do any of us believe that for a second?

30
00:02:33,320 --> 00:02:37,438
- He was the Son of God.
- And when he was carrying that cross,

31
00:02:37,600 --> 00:02:41,354
any normal bloke would mule-kick
the guys on the left and right

32
00:02:41,520 --> 00:02:46,196
and be over that green hill and far away
before you could say Pontius Pilate.

33
00:02:46,400 --> 00:02:49,312
Why do I feel that you've missed the point?

34
00:02:49,480 --> 00:02:54,474
Whether you believe it or not, it's about
a dude who sacrifices his life for love.

35
00:02:54,680 --> 00:02:56,671
Not realistic. As if!

36
00:02:57,880 --> 00:03:00,348
You've got no soul, man. No soul.

37
00:03:00,520 --> 00:03:03,956
- Sirs, you should take a look at this.
- Another vessel?

38
00:03:04,120 --> 00:03:06,680
Too small. It may be a missile.

39
00:03:06,840 --> 00:03:10,469
- Impact in 37 seconds.
- Plotting random evasion course.

40
00:03:10,680 --> 00:03:14,673
What?! Am I the only sane one?
Drop the defensive shields!

41
00:03:14,840 --> 00:03:18,799
A superlative suggestion, sir,
with just two minor flaws.

42
00:03:18,960 --> 00:03:24,956
One, we don't have any defensive shields,
and two, we don't have any defensive shields.

43
00:03:25,120 --> 00:03:27,680
Now, technically speaking,
that's only one flaw,

44
00:03:27,840 --> 00:03:32,152
but it was such a big one,
it was worth mentioning twice.

45
00:03:32,320 --> 00:03:34,117
Good point. Well made.

46
00:03:36,160 --> 00:03:38,993
(WHOOSH)

47
00:03:45,000 --> 00:03:46,991
Rimmer, what are you doing?

48
00:03:47,160 --> 00:03:50,152
It's incredible! It's beautiful!

49
00:03:50,360 --> 00:03:53,796
It's not registering on any scale.
Mass, velocity, molecular structure -

50
00:03:53,960 --> 00:03:55,951
all the readings are zero.

51
00:04:07,840 --> 00:04:11,276
Sir, I'm picking up
some kind of energy emission.

52
00:04:12,360 --> 00:04:14,794
They've taken Mr Rimmer!

53
00:04:15,000 --> 00:04:18,993
Quick! Let's get out of here
before they bring him back!

54
00:04:25,080 --> 00:04:28,516
I hope we didn't startle you. Nirvanah Crane.

55
00:04:28,720 --> 00:04:31,996
You touched me. I can touch.

56
00:04:33,600 --> 00:04:37,195
- How is this possible?
- This entire ship, its crew

57
00:04:37,360 --> 00:04:39,476
and everything on it is computer-generated.

58
00:04:39,680 --> 00:04:42,717
- You're all holograms? Even the ship?
- Salut.

59
00:04:42,920 --> 00:04:44,319
Salut.

60
00:04:47,160 --> 00:04:51,438
- How big's the crew?
- Just under 2,000. All top-flight personnel.

61
00:04:51,600 --> 00:04:55,354
- Hmm. What a ship.
- (COMPUTER) Floor 3125.

62
00:04:55,520 --> 00:04:57,909
Sports and sexual recreation.

63
00:04:59,240 --> 00:05:01,231
- Sports and what?
- Sex.

64
00:05:01,440 --> 00:05:05,035
- Don't you have a sex deck on your ship?
- No.

65
00:05:06,800 --> 00:05:12,557
- What do you do when you want to have sex?
- Well, we go for runs.

66
00:05:12,720 --> 00:05:15,234
Watch gardening programmes on the ship's vid.

67
00:05:15,440 --> 00:05:19,194
That's very bad for you.
Don't you feel tense or frustrated?

68
00:05:19,400 --> 00:05:23,234
Well, it's got worse
these last ten years, I can't deny it.

69
00:05:23,440 --> 00:05:25,431
Extraordinary. It's quite different here.

70
00:05:25,600 --> 00:05:30,799
It's a regulation to have sex
at least twice a day. It's a health rule.

71
00:05:31,000 --> 00:05:34,834
That's more than some people manage
in a lifetime!

72
00:05:35,040 --> 00:05:40,273
I mean sad, lonely people.
But what happens if you don't have a partner?

73
00:05:40,480 --> 00:05:42,516
If you don't have a partner?

74
00:05:42,720 --> 00:05:45,757
Well, some people - sad, lonely people -

75
00:05:45,920 --> 00:05:49,754
find that that people
just aren't attracted to them that way.

76
00:05:49,960 --> 00:05:55,159
I don't understand. It's bad manners
to refuse an offer of sexual coupling.

77
00:05:56,600 --> 00:05:58,431
Well...

78
00:05:58,600 --> 00:06:01,797
People have always complimented me
on my good manners.

79
00:06:02,000 --> 00:06:03,399
What a ship!

80
00:06:03,560 --> 00:06:07,109
We discarded the concept of "family"
in the 25th century,

81
00:06:07,280 --> 00:06:11,558
when scientists proved that all hang-ups
and neuroses are caused by parents.

82
00:06:11,760 --> 00:06:15,116
- I knew it.
- Families are disastrous for mental health.

83
00:06:15,280 --> 00:06:19,319
So are relationships.
These are outmoded concepts for us.

84
00:06:19,520 --> 00:06:22,478
But surely people still fall in love?

85
00:06:22,680 --> 00:06:24,910
We have developed beyond love.

86
00:06:25,080 --> 00:06:27,355
That is a short-term hormonal distraction

87
00:06:27,520 --> 00:06:30,671
which interferes with the pure pursuit
of personal advancement.

88
00:06:30,840 --> 00:06:34,719
We are holograms.
There is no risk of disease or pregnancy.

89
00:06:34,880 --> 00:06:38,668
That is why in our society,
we only believe in sex...

90
00:06:38,840 --> 00:06:42,150
constant, guilt-free sex.

91
00:06:43,880 --> 00:06:47,350
Poor Mr Rimmer. I fear he is in great danger.

92
00:06:47,560 --> 00:06:51,348
I'm trying to get them to handshake,
but they're not responding.

93
00:06:51,560 --> 00:06:55,189
Let's break out the laser cannons
and give 'em both barrels.

94
00:06:55,360 --> 00:06:58,716
An adroit suggestion, sir,
with just two minor drawbacks...

95
00:06:58,880 --> 00:07:00,677
OK! Forget it!

96
00:07:01,040 --> 00:07:04,077
There's nothing to shoot at.
Look - zero mass.

97
00:07:04,280 --> 00:07:07,750
- Of course! A holoship.
- A holoship?

98
00:07:07,960 --> 00:07:11,270
The project was in its initial phase
when I left the solar system.

99
00:07:11,520 --> 00:07:15,752
Ships of no mass or volume,
able to travel as super-light particles -

100
00:07:15,920 --> 00:07:18,718
tachyons - through wormholes and stargates,

101
00:07:18,880 --> 00:07:22,077
crewed by holograms
of great genius and bravery.

102
00:07:22,280 --> 00:07:25,989
And they've taken Rimmer?
He should fit in just perfectly.

103
00:07:26,200 --> 00:07:28,953
Now I understand why they didn't handshake.

104
00:07:29,120 --> 00:07:31,156
Holocrews are legendarily arrogant.

105
00:07:31,320 --> 00:07:35,393
They despise stupidity wherever they see it,
and they see it everywhere.

106
00:07:35,600 --> 00:07:37,670
Hang on, I'm getting another energy emission.

107
00:07:39,160 --> 00:07:43,870
Binks to Enlightenment. Have arrived
on the derelict. Confirm initial speculation.

108
00:07:44,040 --> 00:07:47,555
There is absolutely nothing
of any value or interest here.

109
00:07:47,720 --> 00:07:50,473
It's an old Class 2 ship-to-surface vessel,

110
00:07:50,640 --> 00:07:55,031
the very model, in fact,
that was withdrawn due to major design flaws.

111
00:07:55,920 --> 00:08:01,836
Crew, three. One Series 4000 mechanoid -
almost burnt out.

112
00:08:02,000 --> 00:08:05,675
Give it maybe three years.
Nothing of salvageable value.

113
00:08:05,840 --> 00:08:11,870
Ah, Felis sapiens, bred from the domestic
house cat and about half as smart.

114
00:08:12,040 --> 00:08:15,510
No value in future study of this species.

115
00:08:15,680 --> 00:08:20,117
What have we here? A human being,
or a very close approximation.

116
00:08:22,200 --> 00:08:26,910
Chronological age, mid-20s.
Physical age, 47.

117
00:08:27,880 --> 00:08:32,874
Grossly overweight, unnecessarily ugly,
otherwise would recommend it for the museum.

118
00:08:33,040 --> 00:08:35,793
Apart from that of no value or interest.

119
00:08:35,960 --> 00:08:41,796
Lister to Red Dwarf.
We have in our midst a complete smeg-pot.

120
00:08:42,920 --> 00:08:48,233
Brains in the anal region.
Chin absent, presumed missing.

121
00:08:49,200 --> 00:08:54,797
Genitalia small and inoffensive,
of no value or interest.

122
00:08:55,000 --> 00:08:59,039
Binks to Enlightenment.
Evidence of primitive humour.

123
00:08:59,200 --> 00:09:03,034
The human has knowledge of irony,
satire and imitation.

124
00:09:03,240 --> 00:09:06,949
With patient tuition
could maybe master simple tasks.

125
00:09:07,160 --> 00:09:12,109
Lister to Red Dwarf.
Displays evidence of spoiling for a rumble.

126
00:09:13,400 --> 00:09:16,233
Seems unable to grasp simple threats.

127
00:09:16,440 --> 00:09:21,798
With careful pummelling, could possibly be
sucking tomorrow's lunch through a straw.

128
00:09:22,000 --> 00:09:24,753
Binks to Enlightenment.
The human is under the delusion

129
00:09:24,920 --> 00:09:29,038
that he is somehow able
to bestow physical violence to a hologram.

130
00:09:29,240 --> 00:09:34,189
Lister to Red Dwarf.
The intruder seems to be blissfully unaware

131
00:09:34,360 --> 00:09:39,229
that we have a rather sturdy holowhip
in the munitions cabinet,

132
00:09:39,440 --> 00:09:43,672
and unless he wants his derriere
minced like burger meat,

133
00:09:43,880 --> 00:09:46,110
he'd better be history in two seconds.

134
00:09:46,320 --> 00:09:50,074
Binks to Enlightenment.
Recon mission complete, transmit.

135
00:09:50,280 --> 00:09:52,953
With speed, Enlightenment. Quickly, please!

136
00:09:53,160 --> 00:09:57,039
Captain, Mr Rimmer
from the mining ship Red Dwarf.

137
00:09:57,240 --> 00:10:01,028
Mr Rimmer. Oh, my word.
An old Class 1 hologram.

138
00:10:01,200 --> 00:10:05,955
I didn't realise you guys were still around.
Captain Hercule Platini,

139
00:10:06,120 --> 00:10:08,475
IQ 212. Number One.

140
00:10:09,240 --> 00:10:11,879
(RUSSIAN ACCENT)
Commander Natalina Pushkin, IQ 201.

141
00:10:12,600 --> 00:10:16,195
Commander Randy Navarro, IQ 194.

142
00:10:17,960 --> 00:10:21,111
Second Technician Arnold Rimmer, IQ unknown.

143
00:10:23,280 --> 00:10:27,671
- Captain, this is a magnificent ship.
- So it should be, Mr Rimmer.

144
00:10:27,840 --> 00:10:32,630
After all, it was designed to carry the
hologrammatic cream of the Space Corps.

145
00:10:32,800 --> 00:10:36,156
Every crew member is top in his or her field.

146
00:10:36,320 --> 00:10:40,074
This is a ship, Mr Rimmer, of superhumans.

147
00:10:41,480 --> 00:10:44,916
Which is why
I feel I could really belong here.

148
00:10:46,320 --> 00:10:48,311
Are you serious?

149
00:10:48,800 --> 00:10:53,874
Everything I want in my life
is on this ship. I want to join you.

150
00:10:54,080 --> 00:10:56,514
Mr Rimmer, you are not an officer.

151
00:10:56,720 --> 00:11:00,793
Captain, I've been in effective command
of Red Dwarf for four years.

152
00:11:00,960 --> 00:11:06,080
I've guided that ragtail crew of whacked-out
crazies and peaceniks through hell and back.

153
00:11:07,600 --> 00:11:14,233
If I gave the order, those guys would crawl
over broken glass with their flies unzipped.

154
00:11:14,400 --> 00:11:16,391
So don't tell me I'm not an officer,

155
00:11:16,560 --> 00:11:20,678
just because in deep space,
there's no academy to award me my pips.

156
00:11:20,840 --> 00:11:24,230
- You've got to take me.
- Unfortunately, it's not that simple.

157
00:11:24,400 --> 00:11:26,960
The Enlightenment
has a full ship's complement.

158
00:11:27,120 --> 00:11:30,237
The only way in is "Dead Man's Boots".

159
00:11:30,440 --> 00:11:33,034
You'll have to challenge a crew member.

160
00:11:33,200 --> 00:11:37,193
There are tests
which tax the entire vista of your intellect.

161
00:11:38,080 --> 00:11:39,672
Oh.

162
00:11:40,080 --> 00:11:43,390
Tests that probe every aspect
of your mental capability.

163
00:11:43,600 --> 00:11:45,033
Ah.

164
00:11:45,240 --> 00:11:48,710
Should you win, your opponent's run time
would be terminated

165
00:11:48,880 --> 00:11:52,111
and their life-force would be used
to generate you.

166
00:11:53,040 --> 00:11:55,270
Who will be my opponent?

167
00:11:55,440 --> 00:11:58,955
Well, our computer will find
the most stimulating match-up.

168
00:11:59,120 --> 00:12:01,475
It has stochastic capabilities.

169
00:12:01,680 --> 00:12:04,877
It predicts the future
with only a 5% error margin,

170
00:12:05,040 --> 00:12:09,113
simply by extrapolating the most likely
outcome of all known variables.

171
00:12:09,280 --> 00:12:12,716
I am asking it
for your best chance of success.

172
00:12:12,880 --> 00:12:17,635
And here it is.
Your best shot is crew member 4172.

173
00:12:17,800 --> 00:12:21,918
You have a 96% probability of failure.

174
00:12:22,760 --> 00:12:25,752
Mr Rimmer, you have 24 hours to prepare.

175
00:12:27,920 --> 00:12:31,037
Well, thank you, Commander,
for a most fascinating afternoon.

176
00:12:31,200 --> 00:12:33,760
It's been most...fascinating.

177
00:12:33,920 --> 00:12:40,268
If you're not in a rush, we could retire
to my quarters and have sex for a few hours.

178
00:12:40,920 --> 00:12:44,708
That was just unbelievable.

179
00:12:44,880 --> 00:12:47,155
It's never been like that before.

180
00:12:48,560 --> 00:12:50,790
Was it OK?

181
00:12:50,960 --> 00:12:53,076
It was...different.

182
00:12:54,760 --> 00:12:59,231
- Different?
- You make love like a Japanese meal -

183
00:12:59,440 --> 00:13:02,716
small portions, but so many courses.

184
00:13:05,200 --> 00:13:08,476
- Look, Nirvanah...
- We must dress and go now.

185
00:13:12,080 --> 00:13:16,437
- Look, Nirvanah, what I'm trying to say...
- Please, don't say anything.

186
00:13:16,600 --> 00:13:22,072
I hope you didn't get me wrong. That meant
nothing to me. Less than nothing, really.

187
00:13:22,240 --> 00:13:24,117
Good.

188
00:13:24,280 --> 00:13:27,192
- Like playing tennis.
- As it should be.

189
00:13:28,280 --> 00:13:32,432
I, er...don't suppose
you fancy a tie-break?

190
00:13:32,600 --> 00:13:35,876
I'm sorry. I've got things I should do.

191
00:13:36,040 --> 00:13:37,871
Niet problemski.

192
00:13:38,480 --> 00:13:42,075
You know...we usually talk.

193
00:13:42,280 --> 00:13:45,909
- What do you talk about?
- Oh, research,

194
00:13:46,080 --> 00:13:48,514
new theories, mission profiles.

195
00:13:49,360 --> 00:13:51,920
I'm sorry. I must have seemed ignorant.

196
00:13:52,080 --> 00:13:55,868
I hardly said anything apart from "Geronimo".

197
00:13:58,760 --> 00:14:01,718
Thank you for the workout.

198
00:14:02,320 --> 00:14:03,992
Dress.

199
00:14:04,160 --> 00:14:05,752
Transmit.

200
00:14:09,120 --> 00:14:11,111
Privacy off.

201
00:14:11,280 --> 00:14:15,956
Commander, some amusing news. Stocky has
chosen you to meet our guest's challenge.

202
00:14:23,640 --> 00:14:28,156
What you're suggesting is immoral
and illegal. Mind-patching is outlawed.

203
00:14:28,360 --> 00:14:31,352
- But it IS possible?
- Possible but highly dangerous.

204
00:14:31,520 --> 00:14:36,310
The side effects can be devastating. You
could be reduced to a gibbering simpleton.

205
00:14:36,480 --> 00:14:38,277
Reduced?

206
00:14:39,520 --> 00:14:42,592
- I'll take the chance.
- Even if it costs your mind?

207
00:14:42,800 --> 00:14:44,950
It's a small price to pay.

208
00:14:46,160 --> 00:14:49,709
Look, on that ship I can touch, feel, taste.

209
00:14:49,880 --> 00:14:52,758
I'm not a half man. I'm whole again.

210
00:14:52,960 --> 00:14:58,557
Rimmer, they're a bunch of arrogant, pompous,
emotionally weird, stuck-up megalomaniacs.

211
00:14:58,720 --> 00:15:01,473
Do you really think you'll fit in?

212
00:15:01,640 --> 00:15:03,835
What am I saying? Bon voyage.

213
00:15:04,040 --> 00:15:06,793
He's right, sir.
Why throw in with people like that?

214
00:15:07,000 --> 00:15:12,552
To be somebody, to have a position
of authority on a scout ship exploring space,

215
00:15:12,720 --> 00:15:18,033
work alongside educated men and women,
officers, people who count.

216
00:15:18,200 --> 00:15:23,035
This is my one chance
to seize my dream, to be with the winners.

217
00:15:23,200 --> 00:15:26,590
- Look at me. What do you see?
- Tell me.

218
00:15:26,800 --> 00:15:32,432
You see a sad and lonely guy who left home
at 16 to become an officer and a gentleman

219
00:15:32,600 --> 00:15:35,433
and ended up
as a chicken soup machine operative.

220
00:15:35,600 --> 00:15:41,357
Is it any wonder my father had four strokes
and used to sit by the window and dribble?

221
00:15:41,520 --> 00:15:43,511
I did that to him. Me.

222
00:15:43,720 --> 00:15:47,349
There's nothing wrong
with what you did. It was just a job.

223
00:15:47,560 --> 00:15:51,075
- You ARE your job.
- Not so, sir.

224
00:15:51,240 --> 00:15:53,959
Was Albert Camus
a goalkeeper or a philosopher?

225
00:15:54,120 --> 00:15:59,194
Was Albert Einstein an office clerk
or the greatest physicist who ever lived?

226
00:15:59,360 --> 00:16:02,909
And, of course,
there's the simple carpenter's son

227
00:16:03,080 --> 00:16:08,200
who went on to own the largest chain
of pizza stores in history, Harry Beedlebaum.

228
00:16:08,400 --> 00:16:13,838
Einstein didn't spend the best years of his
life picking poultry from a nozzle cleaner.

229
00:16:14,920 --> 00:16:16,911
That doesn't make you a failure.

230
00:16:17,120 --> 00:16:21,159
It does in my parents' eyes.
It does in my brothers' eyes.

231
00:16:21,320 --> 00:16:26,348
It does in the eyes of everyone with eyes.
That's exactly what it makes me.

232
00:16:26,560 --> 00:16:29,393
Sir, please reconsider. If not for your sanity,

233
00:16:29,560 --> 00:16:32,836
you haven't considered
the moral implications of your decision.

234
00:16:33,000 --> 00:16:36,879
You will be joining a society
where you must have sex

235
00:16:37,040 --> 00:16:41,033
with beautiful, brilliant women
twice daily on demand.

236
00:16:41,200 --> 00:16:46,957
Now, am I really the only one here
who finds that just a little bit tacky?

237
00:16:49,920 --> 00:16:52,514
Well, quite clearly I am.

238
00:16:54,560 --> 00:16:58,838
Sir, I've uploaded the two candidates
to be inserted into your mind -

239
00:16:59,000 --> 00:17:03,710
Science Officer Buchan,
excellent scientific background, 169 IQ,

240
00:17:03,880 --> 00:17:09,238
and Flight Coordinator McQueen,
superlative mathematician, 172 IQ.

241
00:17:09,400 --> 00:17:13,996
Now, even taking into account the enormous
drag factor of your own mind,

242
00:17:14,160 --> 00:17:16,515
I still think we'll get something special.

243
00:17:16,720 --> 00:17:20,474
- But I'll still have control?
- You'll have access to their knowledge,

244
00:17:20,640 --> 00:17:23,359
but your personality
will have the power of veto.

245
00:17:23,520 --> 00:17:28,548
Sir, I implore you to reconsider. Think
of the poor officer whose life you will take.

246
00:17:28,760 --> 00:17:34,153
Wasn't it St Francis of Assisi who said,
"Never give a sucker an even break"?

247
00:17:34,360 --> 00:17:37,318
Well, if he did, sir,
it was strictly off the record.

248
00:17:37,920 --> 00:17:41,754
- Come on, Kryten. Get on with it.
- Commencing integration.

249
00:17:41,920 --> 00:17:44,753
Glory or insanity awaits.

250
00:17:47,480 --> 00:17:50,950
- He's read every medical book?
- In under three hours.

251
00:17:51,120 --> 00:17:54,669
The change is quite astonishing.
But I should warn you -

252
00:17:54,840 --> 00:17:59,391
this is not the pile of human wreckage
we know as Arnold Rimmer.

253
00:17:59,560 --> 00:18:01,676
Prepare yourself.

254
00:18:03,920 --> 00:18:08,596
Sir, we've received the co-ordinates.
Perhaps we should be...making tracks?

255
00:18:09,640 --> 00:18:10,959
Kry-ten.

256
00:18:11,120 --> 00:18:16,478
I was thinking. Assuming we're not dealing
with a basic Euclidean geometric universe

257
00:18:16,640 --> 00:18:20,952
and given that all geomathematics is based
on the notion that one plus one is two

258
00:18:21,120 --> 00:18:25,955
and not that one and two are in fact the same
thing observed from different precepts...

259
00:18:26,120 --> 00:18:27,917
(SNORTS)

260
00:18:28,080 --> 00:18:31,834
..the theoretical shape must therefore
be a polydridocdecahooeyhedron

261
00:18:32,000 --> 00:18:35,072
ahexasexahedroadicon
and a dibidollyhedecadodron.

262
00:18:35,240 --> 00:18:36,753
(SNORTS)

263
00:18:36,920 --> 00:18:40,515
- Everything else is poppycock.
- Rimmer?

264
00:18:40,720 --> 00:18:42,995
I wrote a palindromic haiku this morning.

265
00:18:43,160 --> 00:18:46,675
- We don't speak Japanese, sir.
- I could translate it into Mandarin.

266
00:18:46,880 --> 00:18:52,591
Rimmer, we don't speak Japanese, we don't
speak Mandarin, and we don't speak satsuma.

267
00:18:53,840 --> 00:18:56,229
He is really getting on my pecks.

268
00:18:56,400 --> 00:18:59,676
Remember, sir,
he's operating on a different level now.

269
00:18:59,880 --> 00:19:03,759
To him, we are the intellectual equivalent
of domestic science teachers.

270
00:19:05,280 --> 00:19:07,430
Subject ready for transfer.

271
00:19:07,600 --> 00:19:10,558
Farewell, gentlemen. Glory awaits.

272
00:19:13,680 --> 00:19:18,913
Test candidates, for this purely intellectual
challenge, you remain in separate suites.

273
00:19:19,120 --> 00:19:23,398
Questions will come in a variety
of languages to confuse and disorient you.

274
00:19:23,600 --> 00:19:27,036
There will be 200,000 questions
in this initial session.

275
00:19:27,240 --> 00:19:31,791
After you have completed the tasks
at workstation A, proceed to workstation B.

276
00:19:32,000 --> 00:19:35,470
I shall undertake both tasks simultaneously.

277
00:19:35,680 --> 00:19:39,559
- Mr Rimmer, that is impossible.
- Nevertheless, I shall attempt it.

278
00:19:40,160 --> 00:19:42,151
It begins.

279
00:19:44,040 --> 00:19:46,759
(BLEEPING AND TAPPING)

280
00:20:15,280 --> 00:20:18,590
You're exactly what we're looking for.
Are there any questions?

281
00:20:18,800 --> 00:20:23,032
I just want to get one thing clear.
This is an opportunity

282
00:20:23,200 --> 00:20:28,115
to be revived as a hologram
and become part of the crew - you three.

283
00:20:30,240 --> 00:20:35,917
Basically, you spend your time salvaging
spaceships, playing poker and eating curries.

284
00:20:36,440 --> 00:20:41,560
- We don't do that much salvaging.
- But you do eat a lot of curries.

285
00:20:41,720 --> 00:20:43,995
We don't eat curry every night.

286
00:20:44,160 --> 00:20:49,280
In fact, I remember quite clearly last June,
Mr Lister had a pizza. Remember?

287
00:20:49,440 --> 00:20:51,237
- Yeah.
- You didn't like it.

288
00:20:51,400 --> 00:20:55,359
But I poured curry sauce over it,
and he yummed it up.

289
00:20:55,560 --> 00:20:59,269
And the all-night poker sessions,
is it always strip poker?

290
00:20:59,480 --> 00:21:03,996
- It depends on how drunk we are.
- Or how much curry he's had.

291
00:21:04,200 --> 00:21:06,998
So - and this is probably a stupid question -

292
00:21:07,160 --> 00:21:10,470
you don't have much interest
in horse riding or ballet?

293
00:21:10,680 --> 00:21:15,390
Fine by us. As long as we can have
a curry afterwards, we're cool.

294
00:21:15,560 --> 00:21:18,154
Of course, there's other candidates to see,

295
00:21:18,320 --> 00:21:22,074
but, in theory, if we offered you the post,
would you accept?

296
00:21:22,520 --> 00:21:23,839
- No.
- No.

297
00:21:24,040 --> 00:21:28,352
- No, I think I'm better off where I am.
- But you're dead!

298
00:21:28,560 --> 00:21:33,634
And meeting you guys has really made me
appreciate it a whole lot more.

299
00:21:33,840 --> 00:21:35,910
Well, thank you, Ms Harrison.

300
00:21:36,080 --> 00:21:38,640
- Thank you. Thank you very much.
- Next.

301
00:21:38,840 --> 00:21:41,798
Next candidate, Deck Sergeant Sam Murray.

302
00:21:41,960 --> 00:21:44,952
Ah, Sam. Now, as Holly told you...

303
00:21:45,160 --> 00:21:47,833
- My own mind's come back!
- What happened exactly?

304
00:21:48,000 --> 00:21:51,709
Was it a slow deterioration
or did it happen in seconds?

305
00:21:51,880 --> 00:21:55,190
Seconds. I need another mind-patch pronto.

306
00:21:55,360 --> 00:22:00,388
I'm sorry, sir. It's classic rejection syndrome.
There's nothing we can do.

307
00:22:00,560 --> 00:22:06,635
- What are you talking about?
- Your brain just can't accept an implant.

308
00:22:06,840 --> 00:22:08,990
- No!
- I'm sorry, sir.

309
00:22:09,200 --> 00:22:11,509
- There must be something!
- I'm afraid not.

310
00:22:11,720 --> 00:22:14,439
But I'm winning, I'm so close... Who's this?

311
00:22:15,800 --> 00:22:18,268
I'm not even gone and you're replacing me!

312
00:22:18,480 --> 00:22:22,393
- We thought you weren't coming back.
- You should know better.

313
00:22:22,560 --> 00:22:27,350
You actually expect something to go right
for me? Arnold "Schmucko" Rimmer?

314
00:22:27,520 --> 00:22:30,432
Tosspot by Royal Appointment?

315
00:22:31,360 --> 00:22:33,715
Well, where are you going, sir?

316
00:22:35,200 --> 00:22:37,316
I'm going to withdraw.

317
00:22:41,920 --> 00:22:44,480
I hear you're doing well in the assessment.

318
00:22:44,640 --> 00:22:46,710
(MUTTERS SNIDELY)

319
00:22:46,920 --> 00:22:51,152
Well, if you make it,
maybe you'd like to have sex next week?

320
00:22:51,320 --> 00:22:56,758
- I'm free Wednesday morning.
- I'm busy Wednesday. I'm killing myself.

321
00:22:57,240 --> 00:23:00,710
(LIFT) Floor 6120 - botanical gardens.

322
00:23:03,960 --> 00:23:05,996
Arnie, where've you been?

323
00:23:06,200 --> 00:23:08,191
To hell and back.

324
00:23:08,400 --> 00:23:10,994
- I've withdrawn.
- But you're winning.

325
00:23:11,200 --> 00:23:14,795
- I was using a mind-patch.
- Are you insane?!

326
00:23:15,800 --> 00:23:21,989
I would do anything to get on this ship.
Every time I look in the mirror, I see this.

327
00:23:22,160 --> 00:23:26,153
Only to me, it doesn't mean hologram,
it means "halfwit",

328
00:23:26,320 --> 00:23:29,198
"hopeless", "hideous failure".

329
00:23:29,360 --> 00:23:32,557
This was a chance to be somebody.
Somebody I liked.

330
00:23:32,760 --> 00:23:35,035
I've never met anyone like you before.

331
00:23:35,240 --> 00:23:38,152
- Everyone says that.
- Listen to me, mister.

332
00:23:38,320 --> 00:23:41,517
Underneath that neurotic mess
is someone nice,

333
00:23:41,720 --> 00:23:44,280
someone who deserves a chance to grow.

334
00:23:44,440 --> 00:23:47,671
So you won't give up, OK?

335
00:23:47,840 --> 00:23:51,310
- OK?
- I cheated.

336
00:23:51,520 --> 00:23:56,230
You're going to win, Arnie.
You will get your dream. I promise you.

337
00:23:57,240 --> 00:23:59,515
You really think?

338
00:24:03,920 --> 00:24:06,309
I really think.

339
00:24:19,760 --> 00:24:22,479
- I won.
- What?!

340
00:24:22,640 --> 00:24:27,953
My opponent withdrew. I won.
I'm an officer. I leave tonight.

341
00:24:31,400 --> 00:24:33,595
Look, I'm no good at speeches,

342
00:24:33,800 --> 00:24:37,759
and I know I haven't always
been easy to get on with.

343
00:24:37,920 --> 00:24:42,630
And, given the choice, I probably wouldn't
have chosen you as friends.

344
00:24:42,840 --> 00:24:46,992
But I just want to say that over the years,

345
00:24:47,160 --> 00:24:53,952
I have come to regard you
as...people...I met.

346
00:24:55,560 --> 00:24:59,917
- I'd just better go, OK?
- See you, smeghead.

347
00:25:00,080 --> 00:25:01,877
- Transfer.
- Transfer.

348
00:25:09,840 --> 00:25:12,434
Here are your quarters, Mr Rimmer.

349
00:25:13,680 --> 00:25:16,114
These are Commander Crane's quarters.

350
00:25:16,320 --> 00:25:19,198
Oh, didn't you know? She was your opponent.

351
00:25:29,120 --> 00:25:31,190
Navigation Officer Rimmer reporting, sir.

352
00:25:31,400 --> 00:25:35,029
Arnold, welcome aboard.
I trust everything's to your sa...

353
00:25:35,240 --> 00:25:37,037
Permission to speak, sir.

354
00:25:37,240 --> 00:25:40,073
I wish to resign my commission, sir.

355
00:25:40,240 --> 00:25:44,518
Resign. May I ask your reasoning, please?

356
00:25:44,720 --> 00:25:48,395
Flight Commander Crane
has fallen in love with me, sir.

357
00:25:48,600 --> 00:25:55,233
Love? Commander Crane is too intellectually
advanced to submit to a hormonal imbalance.

358
00:25:55,440 --> 00:25:58,398
That's why she withdrew
from the challenge, sir.

359
00:25:58,600 --> 00:26:03,958
You are suggesting that she cared more
for your happiness than for her own life.

360
00:26:04,160 --> 00:26:08,358
Am I? Yes, sir. I suppose I am, sir.

361
00:26:08,560 --> 00:26:12,109
Now you are resigning
so that she can be reinstated,

362
00:26:12,280 --> 00:26:14,350
even though you could have everything -

363
00:26:14,560 --> 00:26:18,917
a position of command,
an effective physical presence, everything.

364
00:26:19,080 --> 00:26:22,755
Perhaps you'd pass this note on to her, sir.

365
00:26:22,960 --> 00:26:26,157
I understand your gesture,
but your resignation solves nothing.

366
00:26:26,320 --> 00:26:28,834
After all, you will still be...apart.

367
00:26:29,040 --> 00:26:32,715
- Permission to return to Red Dwarf, sir.
- Granted.

368
00:26:39,560 --> 00:26:41,949
Oh, and, sir, you're wrong.

369
00:26:42,120 --> 00:26:46,432
We won't be apart,
we just...won't be together.

370
00:26:50,520 --> 00:26:53,910
I cannot believe I just said that.

371
00:27:03,520 --> 00:27:06,830

there's no kind of atmosphere

372
00:27:07,000 --> 00:27:10,276


373
00:27:10,440 --> 00:27:13,557


374
00:27:13,720 --> 00:27:16,393


375
00:27:16,560 --> 00:27:20,075


376
00:27:20,240 --> 00:27:23,471


377
00:27:23,640 --> 00:27:26,791


378
00:27:26,960 --> 00:27:30,191


379
00:27:30,360 --> 00:27:32,999


380
00:27:33,160 --> 00:27:36,709


381
00:27:36,880 --> 00:27:39,599


382
00:27:39,760 --> 00:27:44,231